Friday, December 16, 2011

Weapons

Weapons​

So, The Wife’s youngest cousin (ok, technically, she’s not the youngest cousin, but the youngest ones are really more like nieces and nephews because they’re THAT much younger) is visiting for a week from Israel, and she was hanging out with us yesterday. Axl and Slash were very excited to meet her because she had been in the army, but once she told them that she didn’t really have much to do with guns, the army excitement faded pretty quickly. But they love her and were very excited to have her stay for dinner, with both of them wanting to sit next to her.

We sat down for dinner and got everyone settled. I don’t remember what we were talking about, or how it came up, but Axl said:

Axl: I know the “B” word.

(Now, this is not the first time Axl has announced that he knows “a word.” He once announced that he knew the “S” word, and as I cringed, waiting for him to say shit, he said “stupid.” With that in mind, one obvious word came to mind but I quickly scanned my mental dictionary trying to think of another one. He must mean something else, right?

Me: What’s the “B” word?

Axl: (smiling) Bitch.

(Great, Cousin must think the worst)

The Wife: No, that’s not a nice word. I don’t want to hear you say it again.

Axl: What does bitch mean?

Me: (man, there are SO many ways I could go with this. This could really be a teachable moment, no matter which way I go with it…) It’s a female dog, but you shouldn’t say it because it’s not nice. Where did you learn that word?

Axl: From [insert boy in his class’ name].

Me: Ok, but I don’t want to hear you say it.

We moved on from there and finished dinner. When we all went upstairs to get The Kids ready for bed, I took The Rocket Queen into her room to start getting her wiped down and into her pajamas. I then heard the following ruckus, I mean, conversation:

The Wife: Slash, go to the potty.

Ruckus, ruckus, ruckus…

Axl: Slash had an accident.

Slash: Axl made me have an accident. He wouldn’t let me get to the bathroom.

The Wife: It’s okay Slash, it doesn’t look like you had an accident, just go to the potty now.

Quiet ensues for a half minute…

Axl: (yelling) Mommy! Slash peed all over my leg.

Slash: He made me have an accident!

Axl: Why would you DO that?

Slash: Because I’m angry at you.

(At least that’s an honest answer)

Me: (I need to contribute SOMETHING to this dialogue) Slash, your penis is not a weapon!

(That should do it)

The Wife: Slash, you are in BIG trouble, that’s really gross.

Slash: I didn’t do it on purpose, it was an accident!

(That’s a less honest answer)

The Wife was now standing in the door to The Rocket Queen’s room, and we were both trying to be stern with Slash without laughing, but it was hard. Slash finally came, buck naked, into The Rocket Queen’s room, and I told him that he would need to have a big punishment. He’s crying and trying to tell me that it was an accident:

Me: Wait a minute. Didn’t you just say that you peed on his leg because you’re mad at him?

Slash: Yes.

Me: So then you did it on purpose!

Slash: (new round of tears) No, it was an accident.

(Obviously, the logical reasoning wasn’t working)

Me: Okay, well, I think your punishment will be you’ll lose the check you would’ve gotten for not having an accident today (it’s a rewards system…enough checks earns him a Star Wars action figure).

Slash: (crying) NOooo! How about, like, I lose TV for a whole week?

Me: Really? Okay, fine, you lose TV for a week.

Slash: Um, wait. No, I don’t want that.

The Wife: Slash, you lose one of your babies for three days.

Slash: Only one baby for three days? Okay.

Good times.

 

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